I wrote this and posted on another website COL on March 17 2008
This post is dedicated to ‘Philip untold story”.
I felt last week that Philip wanted me to write this post to show that he was thoughtful and our union was a result of my choice. This picture of Philip I took in 1993
Philip came on his motor bike and as he walked in my lunch room I thought ‘what a waste’, he was young and good looking.
As we drunk coffee I asked him how he become infected he answered – thru blood transfusion. That satisfied my curiosity than but it was not the truth as he reviled truth later.
There was instant attraction but it was not in my mind to get involved with somebody who had Aids.
Philip was born on 15 March so his Sun conjunct my Moon in second house and his Moon was also there, his Mars was in my seven house. His Pluto and North Node conjunct my Sun in Eight House.
My Sun, Mars, Mercury and Pluto were also in his second house, my North Node conjunct his Jupiter in seventh. This shows that we had strong emotional connection.
Philip showed me where he lived and offered to take me riding on his motor bike. We soon become friends and often talked on the phone.
One day I had a crystal healing with another therapist and straight after that session I went to see Philip.
I felt as if something was lifted from me and I needed to be held in his arms. We kissed and cuddle but didn’t have sex than.
Some time later Philip brought me some reading material and said that I need to read this to know more about Aids and how it can be transmitted and so on. He wanted me to be educated about it if we were to become more intimate. I wanted to be with him but I still had reservations.
At that time friend gave me a small book about St Francis of Assisi. And in that book I read that Francis met “leper’ but he recognised that it was Jesus dressed as this beggar, so Francis without hesitation hug him.
This book was the braking point for me as I recognised the spirit inside Philip, dressed in his body and I released the fear as I knew that I would not get sick and that I was protected.
When we become lovers Philip told me how he got sick and more about his life. When he was young boy living in Adelaide he was molested by man in a public toilet. As a teenager he become rebellious and got involved in drugs and gang rape. He testified in court against his friends who were jailed.
Philip come to Sydney and become a male prostitute at popular Kings Cross suburb. He had some male relationships that took him out of that place and he was living for some time in Byron Bay.
Philip told me that he liked woman and was attracted to woman but found it hard to communicate with them. He said that it was much easier to have male friends. He told me that he like me and wanted to spend more time with me but we both were free to meet other people.
At that time I received from my mother 5 thousand dollars and I wanted to go to USA for a seminar. Philip suggested that we could use this money and travel around Australia.
But I had my mind set and I was going to San Francisco, on the way stopping in Kauai Island to see the largest crystal ‘Shiva lingam in Hindu Monastery.
At that time as my friendship with Philip was growing I was well attuned to my spirit guides and asked them why Philip chosen to be sick. My guide told me that in last incarnation Philip was a racing driver and committed suicide. Now in this life his soul was learning to value the life.
My guides never told me what to do. It was as if I was guided to make my own choices. They would always say that for whatever I choose was the right choice that there was no right or wrong choice it only served purpose.
When I was on the Kauai Island I wished that Philip was with me. I thought that if he would have come he could have been healed. But my guides told me that Philip will die around his birthday because there was another incarnation waiting for him. He departed week after his birthday but two years later.
Before Philip took me to the airport he gave me a bag full of condoms. I laugh and said that I was going on a spiritual journey not to sleep around and that I don’t need this. He insisted saying: you may meet someone there and you may get Aids and than you’re going to blame it on me.
And Philip was right because in Hawaii I meet Steven and last night on that Island I spend with him so it was useful having this protection with me.
When I come back from my journey one day I was sleeping in Philips home and dreamt that this gorgeous man with blond long hair that reminded me of Steven was carrying me on his hands into heaven.
When I woke up I said to Philip that I had wonderful dream, he asked if he was in it.
I answered: unfortunately not!
But only now 15 years after that dream I am wondering if it was Philips Spirit that I saw in this dream.
Before I met Philip I saw in a paper article about giant sculpture of a horseman being carved in the South Dakota Mountains. This mountain was transformed in memory of a ‘Crazy Horse’ Sioux Indian.
I cut out the article with the picture as it was reminding me of my spirit that I felt like riding white horse in my vision from 1988.
When I was with Philip I found in his draw the some article cut out of that newspaper, I was shocked and ask him how he got this article. Philip replayed that his friend Roy Harris gave him this article, and that Roy was shown in a vision that they were the Sioux Indians and that Philip was the Crazy Horse.
The story of Crazy Horse is well known in America as he was fighting for independence and Carter could not catch him. For me it was interesting that Crazy Horse had a wife who was sick and in order to help his wife he went to army trying to get medicine to heal her but he was captured and killed.
I wondered if there was connection from that life, why I was helping Philip to get well in this life.
Philip was a fighter, and he was getting angry or upset sometimes that was a challenge for me.
I remember that one day I called him’ Puff’ and he grabbed my hand, looked straight in my eyes and said:’ don’t you ever call me that because I am not!’
I think that our relationship was important in helping him choose who he wanted to be in the future.
Roy was a good friend to Philip but was not his lover. Philip told me that Roy was like a father to him.
Roy was older and he liked young boys, but with Philip it was special friendship. Roy enjoyed when other people of gay community thought that Philip and he were together.
This picture of Roy & me was taken in 1996.
Roy also told me that he was shown past life where He and Philip were gladiators in Rome and they were very intolerant towards gay man than, so now in this life they needed to learn this karma lesson.
For me it was also a lesson of accepting people as they are because I never new gay man and I was learning not to be judgmental about sexuality.
When Philip was in hospital days before he died I went to church, and ask God if what I was feeling for Philip was Love or Compassion. The voice said: You have to find this answer inside.
I was wondering about this and now I think that it was both.
This picture of Philip was taken on his birthday 15 March 1995 in Gold Coast hospital .
When in hospital Philip & I listened to radio that was plying the song ‘I will always Love you’ by Whitney Huston.
Philip turned to me and said; when I am gone this song is for you and I like you to play it on my funeral’.
I heard this song on radio again not long ago. If you hear it it’s Philip saying hello to you too.